Why Asians Only Hangout With Asians

“Wow, there are so many Asian students.” This was the first thought that came to my mind when I set foot on an American campus for the first time in my life—back when I was in middle school.

I was attending the Webbs Digital Art summer program, and at the time, I naively thought America was mostly white. Later, I learned that many of these Asian students were born in the U.S. to immigrant parents from Asian countries. Once I accepted this idea, I started wondering: “If they were born in the U.S., doesn’t that make them American? Shouldn’t they be close friends with white Americans?” But I soon shifted my focus to summer school life.

Because my English was very poor (half of this blog is written with ChatGPT’s help), I struggled to make friends. Some students would try talking to me out of politeness, but after a couple of minutes, they’d get impatient and leave. I often found myself alone, sitting on a bench, daydreaming. One day, the weather was beautiful, and the sun shone brightly. I couldn’t help but let my mind wander. That’s when I noticed a group of Asian-American students walking across the lawn in front of me.

“They speak perfect English—making friends must be easy for them, right?” I watched a few pairs walk by, chatting fluently. At first, I didn’t think much of it. But eventually, I realized something: all of them were talking to other Asian Americans, never to white or Black students.This confused me even more. If they’re fluent in English and fully American, why don’t they hang out with people of other races?

Looking back, I realize I had my own biases. Before the trip, my sister had advised me not to stick with only Chinese students and to make American friends. So I assumed Asian-Americans would have the same mindset. But for them, growing up in the U.S., actively trying to befriend white people probably felt unnecessary.

Still, I wondered—if they mostly hung out with other Asians, could I fit into their circle too? I tried, but failed. I found that Asian-Americans mostly bonded with other Asian-Americans. Not international Asians like me. Not white Americans either.

Once, I came across a Quora post by a white man married to an Asian woman. He said her entire social circle was Asian, and was worried about fitting in. People reassured him: “It’s okay, just participate—Asian Americans often bond over shared cultural struggles. When two people meet and realize they can vent to each other about the cultural shocks they’ve experienced—like how neighbors never get their real names right, or how Americans tend to shower in the morning instead of at night—it’s easy for them to become friends.” After reading that, I think I finally understood.

Maybe it’s not really about being the same race. Maybe people naturally gravitate toward those with shared experiences. But that made me wonder: if we only surround ourselves with people just like us, how can we ever embrace new ideas? Isn’t it those from different backgrounds who bring in fresh perspectives?

I’m raising an overwhelming amount of questions here—and, to be honest, I don’t have answers to any of them myself. Nevertheless, they still exist in my heart, waiting to be answered one day.

Fast forward to last year, when I became a college student at NYU. My freshman year represented to me another chance to restart. It’s like I’ve finally entered New Game Plus in Elden Ring—I already have powerful gear and upgraded stats, like my English skills and shamelessness. Now I have the chance to explore more side quests. This time, I decided to take a different strategy: I would try to make friends with anyone I met, no matter what their cultural background was.

This ambition was harder than I thought. During my first semester, my closest friends were predominantly Asian. In September, I met a girl at the new student orientation group organized by the Chinese student association Later on, she introduced me to many other Asian Americans. We hung out a few times, but since I didn’t have much to talk about with most of them, we didn’t stay in touch after that. “I wouldn’t say I got very close with that group, but I understood their dynamic better than that of other races.” I don’t really feel good or bad about it, and honestly, I’m not surprised by how it turned out. Aside from cultural factors, NYU is also known for having a large Asian population.

If there’s one thing that did surprise me a bit, it’s that I didn’t end up becoming friends with many international Chinese students. To be honest, it might be because I’m more academically focused, while most of the ones I met seem more into enjoying life.

Does the story end here? Is this it? I can’t do anything about this social phenomenon?

Not quite. I did a trick.

I joined a fraternity.

At first, I was just curious—I had never seen American Greek life with my own eyes. Even though a lot of people warned me not to get involved with weird frats, I still chose to give it a shot. Even if it turned out to be crap, I had to at least take a chance to know for sure.

The fraternity’s name is Lambda Chi Alpha. The assumed intimidation is that frats enforce a hazing period, but, in my opinion, this “hazing” period isn’t bad, nor truly real.  There are some interesting “tasks” for associated members before they become brothers, but they are fun. After two semesters, I was surprised to find that I’d built strong relationships with the people in the frat. We even went to Puerto Rico together over spring break. What’s even more meaningful is that this isn’t an Asian frat or academically focused frat—it is a social frat with Palestinians, Indians, white guys, and more. As I got to know everyone, I realized they’re all genuinely kind people, and I could actually have genuine, meaningful conversations with them and share my thoughts sincerely.

Even though most of the people around me are still Asian, at least now I know that the barrier isn’t unbreakable. This blog is not encouraging you to join a fraternity, although you are welcome to join ours. Joining a fraternity was the perfect option for me because everyone I met was sincere and motivated by the desire to meet new people, regardless of background. It showed that people from different cultures can bond together, not just out of common interests, but rather the willingness to learn about others. When you meet new people, don’t think things like “Is this person worth getting to know?” or “Does this person match my stereotype of someone in this major?” Don’t treat small talk as a task, and don’t turn it into a means to become popular. What really matters is genuinely caring about someone—showing interest in what they care about rather than just your interests. I think if people can do that, the barriers will naturally dissolve.

By Jason Luo